Bran Flakes or Sugar Cereal? (by Petranella)

The information age is upon us. It is more an age of buzzwords related to information than a time of universal scholarship. The word "information" itself has lost some meaning through overuse. It is associated with both useless bits of commercial nonsense and the image of high-brow intellectual endeavors, apparently executed everyday in the great corporations of America. A litany of otherwise useful words are now nothing more than pseudo-intellectual neon lights in advertising for these same companies. "Different." "Information." "Solution." "Clarity." "Decision." "Yes! Yes! Yeeeeess! I love it when you talk business."

In the past, businesses were your friends. (Like a good neighbor, State Farm was there.) Now they are also the smart kid who knew all the answers in math. Rite Aid is not just a store, by the way. It’s a solution. To lipstick. This example is appropriate. Businesses present problems (You have the wrong color lipstick a ghastly Eternally Eucalyptus instead of that smashing Candy Apple Parade) with an urgency that necessitates immediate action on these cosmetic, superficial crises. You can solve your lipstick problem at Rite Aid because they are so clever, and so are you, dear buyer. One online business (I refuse to use the prefix "e-") claims: "It’s time for clarity." What does that mean? Hollow phrases are the hallmark of advertising campaigns. This is old news. What has cookware ever had in common with sex? Patience with the right ketchup? Intelligence with a small bean grown primarily in third world countries?? Does your marriage counselor recommend All-Clad cookware? Of course not.

This twentieth century advertising strategy of associating products with the ideals, values, and identities of consumers created a mythology around consumerism. Imagine the Mount Olympus associated with our need to give spiritual meaning to purchases. The god of Whimsy would be a Mentos package. This is beyond charlatanism. This is a package of product, hope, and a reflection of the buyer that we all get suckered into. We, as individuals in a consumer society, associate possessions with personality. Big business is there to aid this expression of personal ideals. Do you identify more with sugar cereal or bran flakes?

Sincerely sick of it all,

Petranella

---

Petranella is an activist for the genocide of "Screen Beans".

Tell My Story

[One of our contributors was in a local grocery store and spotted a man wearing a T-shirt with a URL handwritten on it. We stopped at the nearest wi-fi spot we could find to look it up. It was crazy in ways we'd never imagined before. We searched the web looking for any clarifying information, and there was nothing. Nothing linked to this one-page marvel of a website. It was an island on the web, until Bosch's became the first to link to it. Sadly, the page is now gone. But we knew this would happen eventually so here is our backup copy.]

WHAT HAVE WE BECOME

Do I live in a society were a homosexual can follow a man around and
try to force him to give up his religion and have sex for him? I wonder
how many Americans feel that I should be forced to give up God and have
sex for this homosexual. Are they not shocked at this homosexual's
obsession with my penis, but seem to support it and think that this
homosexual has the right to ex ray my penis and demand that I have sex
for him. It is this homosexual who wants me to perform a sexual show for
him. He is very; very rich so the price is right that is why all these
people are so eager to support him. That is why all these women are out
hounding me for sex CHEAP PEOPLE. In my religion women are not cheap
drugs that you take like a cup of coffee. I believe that women are
people. You don't pass them out like bottles of pop for fun. This is all
part of the moral decline of our civilization. Both Black and whites are
supporting this sickness. They have some kind of ex-ray device to look
under my clothing and see my penis. This is mental illness! This
homosexual is leading them in this. They think sex is God! It is moral
decline. When grown men start knowingly working for a homosexual
watching another mans penis we are in bad shape. They know there is one
homosexual man behind this whole thing. THEY STILL SUPPORT IT! GOD HELPS
US! I feel sorry for your children. Is this the world you are making
for them! SHAME! If blacks support this homosexual what does that mean?
It means that they are just as sick as he is. This could be the start of
something big! How is it possible that you are supporting a gay man, who
likes to follow another man around and watch his penis? Bad culture. I
am shocked! Have we lost all trace of human decency?

TRICK PHOTOGRAPHY

I think we all know these photos are fake just ask your self what do
they want the person in these photos to do. What do they want this
pervert to do? Are they telling you to keep your daughters away from
this animal? No it turns out that what this is all about is that they
are following this pervert around for sex! If these photos are real,
then tell me what good is more sex going to do a sick animal like that
anyway. But these people tell you that the man in the photos needs more
sex. That is garbage! Why would anyone in his or her right mind follow a
nut like that around for sex? You should run away from someone like
that. These pictures are false. We all know that. If I were the man in
the photos sex would not be the problem. These photos are a way of
making you share someone else's sickness. This homosexual's sickness!
These photos can be made very easily with adobe Photoshop or Adobe
primer filmmaker, on a computer; will make a picture or film of anyone
doing anything. I have always asked that these photos be officially
tested that means I get a copy of the results. They are forged, that can
be proven.

THE GAY PEEP SHOW

These backs & whites are all sitting up all night with a gay white man
watching my penis. They have some kind of x-ray penis detector, this
device allows them to see through my clothing and see my penis. They
claim they are watching my penis to get me out! How does that work? If I
wanted to get the guy out of the room next door should I drill a hole
the through the wall and bring a homosexual and watch the guys penis?
That is ridiculous! That is sick! They know that a homosexual likes to
watch another mans penis? Don't they know this! This will make the
homosexual hot!

These people are helping a gay white man freak off watching another
mans penises. They are providing pornographic entertainment for this gay
white man! They claim this guy is so sweet that they all like to watch
his penis all night! Sick nuts! This is a gay peep show! They all get
money from this gay white man to do this! They claim they don't need
him! Why would you go watch a guy's penis if you do not want him? They
don't want to get him out. I can leave but they all claim that everybody
all over the world does not want me! Pretty silly! They are not trying
to get him out are they! People could think that you're all screwing
around with this queer for money! How many other guys' penises have you
all been watching? I'll bet you did not need then ether!

CHEAP PEOPLE

What is really going on here? There is one homosexual who is a very
rich person who is using his money to generate this whole situation. It
is all generated by one man who pays people to do and act out these
things. This person is about 5' 7 and weighs about 168 lb. has light
brown curly hair and is medium build. His most distinctive feature is
his legs there is something wrong with his knees. He is from a very rich
family. His family would be very shocked if they knew what he was doing
with his trust fund. I see this person in every town I go to. He is
always there manipulating people with his money. He literally has
millions of dollars to use just to follow me around. HE IS INSANE! This
is his whole life. People here all know him. He has admitted to people
that he is simply obsessed with me sexually. He pays people as much as
three hundred dollars to lie on me. All the people who come to you and
say that I am some sick sexual pervert are nothing but paid puppets. It
is only money that makes these people say these things. They are paid
big money to do this. If you could take away the money this whole thing
would stop. It would stop. Do you really think that I am that
interesting? That grown men sit up all night and watch my penis? No body
sits up all night and watches someone's penis for nothing. If they do
they are crazy, they get money

YOU'RE SON

Imagine that some very wealthy homosexual meet your 25 year old son and
just fell totally in love with him at first sight, and your son said,
Yuk No way I am not like that. This wealthy homosexual man leaves but he
is still thrilled by your son. After this, everywhere your son goes he
starts to have problems. Ugly rumors start to fly and everyone starts to
treat him strangely. Slowly he finds out that this wealth homosexual is
following him around and pumping money in to the situation. This is
really what is going on. THIS COULD BE THE START OF SOMETHING BIG? There
is one very wealthy homosexual who is completely obsessed with me. He
follows me twenty-four hours a day. He is insane! But he literally has
millions of dollars, so he can pay all these people to act out his
sickness. All these people both Blacks & Whites, are simply paid money
to do and say these things. And all they have to say is we don't like
him! About your son or me how convenient. This is all one twisted
homosexual on a power trip. This is not every body. This is one man!
This is not all homosexuals this is one man doing it all. My problem is
not his homosexuality that is his life. My problem is that I don't want
him in my life. This obsessed homosexual is behind this whole thing. It
is not everybody! It is only this one very wealthy homosexual pumping
money in to this and making it all happen. One man! He has got the
Marlboro man & Ice Tea on a leash a money leash.

GOD WROTE THE SOFTWARE

I believe that the genetic code of the universe is set in the DNA
nature! Nature fixes man and women in the genetic code. God wrote the
software! This is GODS doing in all creatures. All deviation from that
format is perversion. Nature meant for man to be with women! Now, you
have the right to have sex with anyone that you want to, some people
even have sex with animals; some people have orgies with many people.
This is not nature's design. Nevertheless, you have the right to drink a
gallon of whisky everyday and smoke three packs of cigarettes a day.
That does not mean that you should do it! This is why it is called a
sin. It is self-destructive. I do not knock the whisky out of the next
guy's glass but I will not let him put it in my glass. I feel that
homosexuality is immoral not only immoral for sweet men but for all
people! You don't find the male lion going after the other male lion do
you. They go after only the female lion this is natural! All other
animals are the same they follow natures source code! Only wacky humans
do such strange sick things! How could we even be talking about
something like some queers wanting to force their homosexuality on
someone else! I knew this is what this gay liberation stuff would lead
to. Gays going after other men and trying to force their life style on
other men who don't want it! This is homophobia comes true!

HERETICS & TRAITORS

I think that it is outrageous that these people can come here and tell
us that they are Christian and conservative, tell us that they are
fighting homosexuality. Then these same people will tell us that they
support this homosexual watching this mans penis all night. That does
not work. Why would they be getting with any homosexual watching any
ones penis! That is a contradiction of everything that you claim to be.
That you don't want this guy that is not the problem. For us it is not
about this guy. It is about this homosexual. We don't want that kind of
sick stuff going on in the community. It is the principle! It is sad
that you would get with a homosexual and watch the guy's penis, then
tell us that you are watching his penis because you don't want him! Is
this a joke? _That you killed some other homosexual means nothing, if
you now get with this homosexual and support him watching this mans
penis. You cannot walk on both sides of the street at the same time_.
We don't care that you don't want this guy. We don't care if you never
speak to this guy in your life. Tell us why you like this homosexual?
That is the question. You will find out that they don't want to talk
about this homosexual. They simply refuse to even talk about him at all!
They get money from this queer! It has got to be the puppy chow? CHEAP
PEOPLE!

CHEAP BLACKS

To tell me that I must support homosexuality and racism because these
blacks or these interracial couples do. That is real racism! I do not
have to do what these blacks or these interracial couples do. This is a
free country. These blacks admit that they support racism. They admit
that they support this homosexual white man watching other men's penis.
Ask them they will not deny it. This is why I don't like these blacks
and these interracial couples, not because they black, and I just
worship white people! I feel the same way about whites that support this
queer! As to these black who claim to be my relatives I have no
relatives in this state they are all in Ohio! These people are sick
liars! I deeply resent the slur on my family name to say that my father
is watching his Owen son's penis with a queer is deeply offensive to! Do
you people really believe that you are watching my penis with my father
and a homosexual Do you really think this! This is hell bound! This is
too ugly! You don't see anything wrong with that? What kind of mind you
got! You could be molesting your kids if you don't see what is wrong
with that!

CHILD MOLESTER QUEER

These blacks and some of these other people here are selling their kids
to this homosexual white man for sex! The mother and the father will
sell a young 10-year-old child to this gay white man for $300. Per. Hour
for sex! These people are sick. They don't even know that it is wrong.
They think this is normal they think that I am sweet because I hate
child molesters. I think these people should be sent to the bottom of
hell. They should at least at least be put in jail! They can get 25year
for child abuse, contributing to the delinquency of a minor! This is
trafficking in kiddy prostitution!

Ask these people a direct question are you selling any of these minor
kids to this homosexual white man for sex? We need a yes or a no answer.
Don't duck the question. We need a clear no! We don't care if your kid
needs this guy or not. It doesn't matter! Are you selling these kids to
this gay man for sex yes or no? IT IS TRUE!

PILLARS OF THE COMMUNITY

I would like to ask these people a question? Suppose a homosexual were
after my son, and you did not need my son, would you help the homosexual
watch my son's penis? To get him out? My son is 25 years old he is a
very sweet kid! Would you help the homosexual if you did not need my
son? You are my son's people! They would do it, all it takes is money!
DO YOU SEE THE DANGER?

Look at these people who fight this sickness. They are not doing it for
me. They are fighting for there Owen children. They are fighting for
AMERICAN CULTURE. It is not about this guy, it is about this homosexual.
We don't want that kind of nut stalking other men around the community.
We don't want it! We don't want him stalking Greek or Hawaiian men sweet
men sour men or anyone. IT IS NOT ABOUT THIS GUY, IT IS ABOUT THIS
HOMOSEXUAL. YOU DON'T GET THAT DO YOU!

These people were offered the same money that you were. They need money
just like you do. They are just not willing to become cheap whores for
this queer to get it! These are pillars of the community. They are
holding up the building of our civilization.

THE DEATH OF MANHOOD!

So what they are really supporting is homosexuality! They are
supporting the right of a homosexual to go after your son. But only if
they don't need your son. I do mean your adult son over twenty-five. To
day me tomorrow your son. All it takes is money$$$$ CHEAP PEOPLE $$, In
the name of GOD! WHAT HAVE WE BECOME?

MORAL DECLINE

This is the first time that I know of in American history that a man we
all know is homosexual could go after another man sexually in the open
society. Were every one knows what he is doing. They all know he is a
MILLIONAIRE HOMOSEXUAL. They all know he is sexually obsessed with this
man and they still let it happen right in front of every one. This could
be the start of something big! This may be an historical moment! This
could change our history completely 8-18-1996 Ithaca N.Y.

TELL YOUR CHILDREN TWENTY YEARS FROM NOW YOU GOT THAT START

CHRISTIAN RIGHTNESS

Do some people really think that God supports this? You know that is
not the bible teachings! You are not a real Christian! The bible teaches
that homosexuality is a sin and an abomination! That you don't want me
is not a sin! But you're getting with any homosexual and supporting and
helping him watching anyone's penis is a major sin! If you don't want
me does that mean that I cannot serve God anymore and that I should give
up on God? I don't need you permission to serve God? Who do you think
that you are? You are not a real Christian? GOD WELCOMES ALL TO SERVE
HIM? You don't know God! Do you really think that God supports you
watching this mans penis with this homosexual child molester? Do you
really think that God supports that? You know that is not the bible
teachings! All Christians know it, even sinners know it! You are not a
Christian! Repent!

STALKING

This is wrong this is a threat to the whole culture! The problem is not
that you don't want this guy. The problem is how. They want to get with
a homosexual and watch this guy's penis all night, and call that hate.
That is not hate. It is impossible to hate someone buy watching there
penis with a homosexual. This homosexual is using these situations were
a bunch of guys are after someone because they don't like the guy as a
lunching pad for his sexual ambitions. This is a completely different
situation. This homosexual has admitted that he likes this guy sexually!
He has admitted it. I feel that changes everything! This is nothing but
stalking and sexual harassment! It is a HATE CRIME He is attacking the
dignity and the sexual orientation of this man. How should this be dealt
with? It should be dealt with just as if I were stalking your daughter
around town peeping in her house watching her take a shower! What would
you want to do to me? Any straight man doing something like that would
ether get him self killed or put in jail! Every man in town knows this.
I think the same thing should be true for gays as well. This is simply
stalking and sexual harassment! It is against the law!

The Making of Bosch (by Khris Soden)

This was originally printed as part of Bosch's entry in the "1997 Idaho Zine Compilation".

Cleaning Tips for Bachelors Part Two

Cleaning Floors

Really, does it matter if they're clean or not? You walk around on 'em! If it's really that big a problem, don't wear shoes in the house. Don't sit on the floor. Don't crawl around.

Cleaning Walls

Same deal. You can live a happy fulfilling life without ever touching the walls of your house. You could cover all the walls with Jimi Hendrix posters. My answer is to line all the walls with bookcases and records, and then you'll only see the walls when you move again. Ah, but it sounds like dusting nightmare, you say?

Dusting

Dusting is the pasttime of anal-retentives. Dust is going to get on stuff no matter what. You can't fight it. At worst, it's merely annoying to look at. Then you get used to it being there and it's no big deal. If you use something like a feather duster, you're not really getting rid of the dust, you're just displacing it -- prob'ly to the floor where it's less noticable. Then there are these people that get really hung up on the idea (true or not) that it's particles of Human Skin that are flying around in the air. Eeek! Human Skin! I think this is a fiction that was created to sell vacuum cleaners. How the hell does all that Human Skin get up in the attic? Even if it's true, you're a bachelor; you can be certain that it's your own skin. The only real tip I have about dust is to keep your records in their jackets.

Dishes

Why is doing the dishes such a chore? Simply because food tends to dry onto the dishes, needing to be sandpapered off later. The easy solution to this daily (or weekly) turmoil is to get yourself a dog. Doesn't matter when you eat dinner, the dog will always be happy to get the food off that plate before it has a chance to dry. And since it's your dog you know where it's tongue's been. Then, at your leisure, you can rinse off the dishes and call 'em clean. Of course, since chocolate is dangerous to dogs (see Bosch #3) this advice may not apply if you've had a full-on fondue party. Other cures to the dish problem include paper plates and fast food. That's right: the best solution to cleaning is prevention. If nothing gets dirty in the first place there will be nothing to clean up. Good advice for all types of cleaning, not just dishes.

Ev'rything Else

Anything that can't be cleaned with rubbing alcohol or WD-40 can be cleaned with Xerox Platen Glass Lens and Mirror Cleaner. It's hard stuff to find but it's worth it. It doesn't just dissolve stuff so it wipes away, it actually causes the stuff to cease existing. That's really what you look for in a cleaner anyway. It will clean anything, not just glass. It's also great to clean spotty photoreceptor belts without caking up the developer, if that's been a problem for you in the past.

Cat fur is cleaned with duct tape. Toilets are cleaned with a garden hose and a powerful spray nozzle. Bathtubs are cleaned with one of those razorblade scraper things. Tape machine heads are cleaned with isopropyl alcohol and cotton swabs, preferably before each use. Don't forget the capstan and pinch roller. Records cannot be cleaned, despite all the products that are available to do this. Just don't get them dirty in the first place. Clean CDs with carnauba wax. That's right, you heard me. And that pretty much covers all the things you should need to clean; everything else can be ignored unless you need your rent deposit back.

Wait, I don't think I'm done bitching about the pointless practice of dusting yet. What kind of lame-ass Martha Stewart is going to dance around the house dusting shit off every day? My god. Dusting doesn't keep the dust from coming back. Are you trying to convince visitors that, by some miraculous grace o' God, dust just doesn't exist in your house? No? Then how could it possibly be embarassing for them to find out otherwise? Are you worried that maybe dust doesn't exist in their house, and you might be abnormal? The only more anal thing I can think of are people who empty the trash, and get pissed when you put the first piece of trash in there. Now I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but sometimes you just don't want to stand around holding a chocolate macaroon wrapper, waiting for someone else to be the first to put something in the trash, if your lunch break is only half a fucking hour long!

Happy cleanin'.

---

Bonefish Sam is a practitioner of experimental music and experimental housecleaning.

The Gibbish Dictionary.

alex n. the passenger seat of a car

amusement n. the smallest tangible measure of fun, equal to about one one-thousandth of a dollar. (see dollar and cirkus kid)

A-OK n. A method of writing, devised by the "Amerikan Ontologikal Kommittee" to reduce or eliminate the need for the letter "c", by replacing it with a"k" or "s". There are two schools of thought dealing with the "ch" anomaly--either using "c" to represent "ch", or using the "vx" combination. The method used depends on whether the writer's goal is to entirely replace the letter "c" or just to save letters.

august adj. sneakier than dearth

BeeGee n. any person whose last name starts with a 'B' or a 'G' (considered derogatory)

bigger adj. better

big top n. a gathering of Cirkus Kidz

blue stuff n.something that is good; the opposite of the pink stuff. (see the pink stuff)

Bolero n. sex

booty n. the organ in the body that controls the level of funkiness (only found in Cirkus Kidz)

breeze-trail n. something which is easy (see danger danger trail)

buddy n. 1. friend 2. enemy 3. person

interj. 1. a greeting 2. exclaimation denoting acceptance

adj. the opposite of grim

butt-shakin' place n. a lousy coffee shop [common usage: "One of them butt-shakin' places."]

Captain Zoom-Zoom n. 1. an overhead projector 2. a brave hero

Chef Hungry n. Chef Hungry

chief informal when used as a pronoun, the speaker is saying, "I'm an asshole."

cirkus fun n. the Cirkus Kidz method to having fun which exceeds all previously known methods of creating fun, including heroin.

cirkus kid n. Besides the obvious, a cirkus kid is a measure of fun equal to about 1,000,000 dollars (see dollar and amusement)

Cirkus Kidz New Year n. Official Cirkus Kidz holiday. It's a little known fact these days that the New Year occurs on April 1st, and the Cirkus Kidz still celebrate it on the proper day.

(the) cute noise n. the cute sound that all babies make in commercials

danger danger trail n. a difficult or foolish undertaking (see breeze-trail)

Day Without Pickles (also International Day Without Pickles) n. An official Cirkus Kidz holiday, a day when no Cirkus Kid eats any pickles, celebrated on January 2nd.

dearth adj. something sneaky

devil n. there is no devil, just a big jar of oatmeal cookies

dollar n. a standardized measure of fun. A given amount of fun is equal to the number of dollars one would have been willing to pay for it. (see cirkus kid and amusement)

Dollar-dollar n. another Cirkus Kidz-endorsed language, where dollar signs replace the letter 's' in words. When read, each '$' is pronounced as "dollar". The term "Dollar-dollar" comes from the pronunciation of the word "Dollar$", which is the most common Dollar-dollar word. The Dollar-dollar language is most commonly used by pawn shops and in a certain part of Springfield, Oregon where the letter 's' appears to have been outlawed.

donuts n., pl. a measure of wealth equal to 10 cents. Also, the phrase "donuts per hour" has come into usage, being a measure of wage. Someone making 75 donuts per hour is making $7.50US.

Evil Dead 2 n. 1. that which is bad. 2. a scale by which bad things are judged

facade n. a light pink color

fancy chef n. someone who makes more than $7.00 an hour (or 70 donuts)

folksinger n. lesbian

Fun Center n. The place in Boise, Idaho where all the fun for the entire world is created.

frabjuous adj. Old ladies' ideas of fashionable, i.e. glitter pens or puffy paint on fabric.

gagner (gon'yay), slang. "God made you to win"

Gator Hater n. Republican

Gatorism n. The main Cirkus Kidz' religion. For a complete description, writen by the 'Kidz themselves, see their Nu Gatorism page. Sometimes referred to as Nu Gatorism,they are virtually the same religion, separated only by about a week in their founding.

gay n./adj. homosexual

Gibbish n. The Cirkus Kidz' official supplemental dictionary. The word Gibbish is only part of Gibbish. Gibbish means Gibbish and then some.

gifford n. male sex organ (see regis)

(the) good hair sound n. the sound, "Aaawww!" that's made on shampoo commercials when the hair model swings her head, tossing her hair to one side

Good Lord n. or Good Lawrd, hard liquor

(the) good schtuff n. alcohol

gvidorekis n. the ability to move one's eyebrows indepentently

hail Satan interj. greeting for elderly or Christian

haulin' oats v. what a horse is doing when it's running fast

hip gland n. the organ that secretes the chemical that makes Cirkus Kidz so hip (found only in Cirkus Kidz)

hootinanny 1. n. any event involving one or more banjos, 2. interj. something to yell, especially at poker games

horse and buggy deeeeys 1. n., pl. the ol' days, 2. n. something to sing when drunk

hot bosch n. truth

hot lotto n. lies; misinformation

Horse On Snowshoes 1889 an important event in Idaho history

Ingrish n. 1. a language for the reading impaired 2. the Gibbish code language that involves swapping the meanings of English words

inspecting the plumbing 1. the Cirkus Kidz response to "what are you doing?" especially when Cirkus Kidz are up to no good. 2. using the bathroom

Jesus n. "One-Stop Shopping"

Jimmy (see Buddy)

joint n. the place in which someone is located or bends

juicemania n. A spooky cult of juice-drinking drones with hypno-spiralsin their eyes, led by the guy on the Juiceman infomercial with the hypnotizing bushy white eyebrows. He's an evil man who's poweris only kept in check by Jack LaLanne, our hero and friendly pusher of the Juice Tiger on T.V.'s Amazing Discoveries. (Among other things, such as, but not limited to, Jack LaLanne's Stepper, and Bonefish Sam's 1959 copy of "Jack LaLanne's Glamour Stretcher Time" blue vinyl record) Anyone happen to remember the Juiceman's name? Email it to bonefish@bonefish-sam.com please.

KitschNouveaux n. an art movement pioneered by Bonefish Sam and Admiral Kludge, that kitschifies their own valid art by way of cheesy gimmicks or unnecesary appropriation of kitsch subjects.

komeuppance n. a good tasting pastry

kösher adj. extra garlic

krajy adj. 1. something which is extremely annoying 2. describes a person who tries to act like a Cirkus Kid and isn't.

krunky adj. inconvenient; unusually or too large; unwieldy; rough; blocky; etc.

lexico n., pl. a group of rednecks "We stumbled upon a lexico of Texans..."

libido n. an organ in the body connected to the booty. Believed by some to be useless, it's the organ that controls the level of suaveness. (found only in Cirkus Kidz)

Love of Jesus n. "Love like my daddy never gave me"

Mike, Mike, whatcha doin? what one asks Mike to find out what he's doing.

muffin' v. being cute

(on a) nature hike having sex

Nu Gatorism n. See Gatorism.

nui-nui n. new, or nu (see yumma-yumma)

Ossifer Friendly n. any police officer

paradigm n. Kool-Ade

pink stuff n. something that is bad, as advertised by Equal (about Sweet 'n' Low) and Maalox (about Pepto-Bismol); the opposite of the blue stuff (see blue stuff, the)

playing the violin v. having sex

prizewinners n. pl. big, white hot dogs with strings dangling off the ends

psycho-ecclectic adj. describes media targeting certain audiences created by people unfamiliar with the target audience

puttin' people outta work something bad; what something that is bad does: This album by Foreskin 500 is puttin' people outta work!

qualité adj. describes something that is good

regis n. female sex organ (see gifford)

rizz off v. to masturbate (with vigor, as Admiral Kludge does)

Rogainebuddhism n. The world's second coolest religion, an off shootsect of Roggenbuddhism that is more interested in the guru's bald spot than in his clothes. They are seen with shaved heads in airports. (see Roggenbuddhism)

Roggenbuddhism n. The world's fourth coolest religion, which almost nobody knows anything about, including the Cirkus Kidz. It is known that Roggenbuddhism was started by a balding math teacher who wore goofy clothes at the Cirkus Kidz former High Skool, and that this church has since branched into a smaller yet cooler religion called Rogainebuddhism. (see Rogainebuddhism)

Room 101 n. a former band in Boise who sometimes got confused with Room 121

Room 121 n. bathroom

schlossberg n. penis

schweet! interj. a noise made by jocks

Somalia Day n. an official Cirkus Kidz holiday. On December 9th, Cirkus Kidz exchange completely useless gifts. The intention is to give such useless gifts that there are no hard feelings when they're thrown away.

smoke crack! interj. greeting for small children

stuh n./interj. Considered by Cirkus Kidz to be the stupidest-sounding pronouncible syllable. Used most commonly when talking about or impersonating stupid people (i.e. jocks). Also used as a replacement for the word "stuff" by stupid people. "I gonna go git me summa dat stuh!"

talvy adj. 1. moist 2. damp 3. warm and damp 4. cold and tacky 5. palatal

turkey jerky interj. something said by someone who is being scary

two treats in one n. blow job

(the) Ugly Corner n. the intersection of Orchard and Alpine in Boise, Idaho where everything is ugly and ev'rything that isn't ugly becomes so for the duration of the time it's there. It is believed that spending extended amounts of time at the Ugly Corner may have a permanant effect.

unix n. something that makes children

vallenaleks n. 1. the seat in the car used for sex the most often 2. an interesting relationship

wagon wheel n. a very large cinnamon roll

"walking the dog" v. urinating

wallets n. pl. often called "wallets" by the younger generation

wookies n. pl. treats for small dogs

Xmas n. the Cirkus Kidz' Christmas-like holiday where we don't celebrate the birth of Christ in any way. Celebrated on December 23rd.

yumma-yumma v. to like the taste of something. ["I yumma-yumma!" means "I like the taste of this!"] (see nui-nui)

zest n. a popular brand of soap

zoo v. to look at animals at a zoo

---

Cirkus Kidz are up to no good.

Johnsonville Vermont Maple Syrup Breakfast Sausage Review (by Gus Mellobar)

Some things in life are sacred. Well, o.k., SOME things are SOMEWHAT sacred. That first kiss. A new bicycle. A Tater Pig near the bingo tent at the Twin Falls county fair and rodeo. We're getting into warm, fuzzy territory here. That list couldn't be complete without the frisky taste of red hot sausage links colliding unintentionally (and some would argue quite digustingly) with the sweet, tasty syrup run-off of a jumbo stack o' hot cakes. Did someone say "boy-scout, grange hall pancake feed"? Damn straight, monkey-nuts!

You can bet your sweet Corey Feldman that Ol' Gus was pleased as punch to score a fine product that promises to harness the twin goodness (or was that evil?) into one convenient package. Johnsonville Vermont Maple Syrup Breakfast Sausage offers just such a tantalizing claim. Of course I had to immediately question: "Just how much maple-riffic dopeness are we talkin about, here?" I mean is this for real, or is it simply an idle threat? My hopes continued to soar as I noticed that the fourth ingredient listed on the package was none other than maple syrup.

Only one thing to do here: heat up that frying pan. I guess that isn't entirely correct. As the links come frozen, you will probably need a microwave for thawing purposes. After thawing properly, heat ya'sef up some hog fat, bear greasy, or even your own oily, sweaty by-product and get ta fryin'! On high heat, a couple quick minutes is usually all that it takes to brown them babies up nice and to also whip up a horrific "scorched meat" stench! Along with this charming smell, as I cooked, I noticed a strange puddle of black, sickly ooze surrounding the links. Now we're talkin'! Of course, proper ambiance is always essential to eating enjoyment. Yes, friends, there are certain things that can greatly enhance the enjoyment of all food no matter how simple. A case in point would be Van Camp's pork and beans (to which I am religiously devoted). Conventional wisdom (and even the directions on the can) claims that one should heat the beans. Wrong, wrong, wrong. These fine little brothers are, in fact, best enjoyed at room temperature. Some chilling may be acceptable as well (like if you have to store them in a bowl in the refrigerator for some reason), but DO NOT heat them intentionally. Gus has but one simple rule for cookin' da "sass-age", though, and that is: cook whilst listening to country music recorded NO LATER THAN 1970!

Anywho, now that we are done scorchin' them boys up, it's time to chow down! How do the maple syrup links TASTE? In a word: disappointing. The sausage DID NOT induce vomiting. This is somewhat sad in and of itself, as the potential to do so is a main requirement in my consideration of a "foodstuff" for review. I found the flavor to be quite smoky, only lighty sweet (again, I had hoped for overpowering sugary maple induced brain seizure), and completely edible. I had my "hankerin'" so built up, in fact that I had to solve the problem immediately by reaching for a bottle of Log Cabin and soaking the links. That did the trick, alright. I recommend these guys only for the weakest of maple sausage lovers. In fact, I am sure that they would probable be considered perfectly edible and perhaps enjoyable by even those who were somewhat repulsed by the idea.

Has Ol' Gus been cooking up products long gone that are probably unsafe for human consumption pulled from the bomb shelter of a woman born in the early 1900's? Let me address that first part. Johnsonville products are still in business and, in fact, can be contacted at www.johnsonville.com. As for the second part, well...how hardcore are you? If you crave the "whack" as I do, then Johnsonville offers up several other savory alternatives. Beerbratwurst (yes, it contains "real beer"), Maple Sausage Patties, Low-fat Maple Links, Brown sugar and Honey Links, and finally, Apple Cinnamon Links ("made with chunks of real apple and a pinch of cinnamon spice " according to the Johnsonville site) are also offered for your fine dining pleasure. So hook Gus up with some o' them Apple Cinnamons and yer address, and you may just get some love in return. Until next time...

---

Gus wants a teenage girlfriend. Send those naked pictures (in or out of cheerleader uniform) care of this publication.

Fun With Electricity.

I work at night, so obviously I was jacked when I got home and saw that heavy construction was about to be done right in front of my house. The day before I had to sleep through jackhammers about three houses down, and the usual chorus of dogs next door. The next door neighbor has about twice the number of dogs that the city of Boise allows without buying a kennel license, and if there's one thing that gets them barking more than just the sheer joy of doing it, it's jackhammers halfway down the block.

Just before bedtime I was using the computer, listening to my collection of Slim Whitman mp3's, about to send off an email to Radio Shack to ask them why the hell they decided to stop selling PZMs. (If you agree this was a stupid move on their part, be sure to send them email and demand that they bring the PZMs back.) Just before I was able to send this thing off, the power cut off for a moment and make my rig reset. Seemed like kind of a violent one, so I shut the computer down and decided it was time for bed. Then I noticed that the little heater/fan device that keeps my room warm was acting strangely. The fan wasn't working anymore, but the heater part was. It was quietly oozing heat out. If I switched it to 'fan', the heat would go off and the fan would work. Stranger yet, each time I'd turn it off or on, my answering machine would reset itself, and I could hear a printer in another room reset too. "Damn, my heater's broken. Maybe I can complain to the water company tomorrow and get some kind of reimbursement," sez I. Then I try to go to sleep.

About an hour and a half of barking dogs and heavy construction later, there's an explosion toward the living room. I get up, look outside, see nothing, go into the kitchen, see nothing, then hear another explosion toward the living room again. Another explosion and I see flashes of blue sparks behind the stereo. I hadn't even considered that these explosions were inside the house. I panic and start unplugging everything I can think of. The house is filling with the smell of burned-out circuitry.

The furnace is rumbing, like it's halfway running but not quite. The fridge is doing the same thing. I realize that it's a brownout, where the power isn't out, but isn't fully on either. This is worse for equipment than a blackout usually is. Some of the things in the house were functioning normally, some didn't work at all, and some were somewhere in between (like the little heater). As I'm on my way out the microwave turns itself on, with it's clock set at zero seconds. And if I turn the coffee maker on, the furnace goes from it's rumbling idle state to actually blowing cold air out the vents. Seems to me like a grounding problem. And who's fucking up the ground?

I run outside, still in a panic, toward about four water company employees in the front yard and say, "What the hell are you doing to my power?" One of them sez, "I don't know. Call Idaho Power. We're nowhere near the power." And I say, "What?! Shit's blowing up in my house! Alright, guess I'll go back in there and put all the fuckin' fires out." They must have been confused.

So I go back in the house, which is just reeking of blown electronics, unplug more stuff, and call Idaho Power. If you call their lifethreatening emergency hotline you get a recording and goes something like: "If you have a question about your bill press or say 'one' now. [long pause] If you would like to book a hayride with Reddi Killowatt, press or say 'two' now. [long pause] If you're experiencing a lifethreatening emergency, press or say..." So they tell me that someone will be on their way.

I go outside to wait, so I can flag them down when they show up and so I can avoid the horrible smell in the house. Hanging out with my cat. Some of the water guys come over and ask what's up and I tell them. They prob'ly thought I was making it all up. We shoot the shit for a while, and then they point out once again that they hadn't even seen an electrical wire the whole time they've been out there. I wait some more, once in a while going back in to make sure nothing else is on fire, and pondering whether it's dangerous to have a gas furnace running that doesn't seem to actually be burning any gas. I'm a bit too nervous to start pulling fuses out (this is an old house; no breakers). And I can't find anything like a main cutoff switch.

The power guy shows up. I tell him the story, figuring that he'll believe me. He sees this kind of stuff all the time. But all he can say is, "Wow. I've never seen anything like that before." He checks the power at the point it enters the house, and it's good. He suggests I call an electrician, becuase it's obviously something wrong inside the house. Then he seems to take off. But fortunately he stopped before he left and talked to the water company guys. After a little while of comparing notes they came to the conclusion that all the wiring in my house had been grounded to the water line. Apparently this was a normal practice back in the days of yore, and had prob'ly worked fine at the time. But over the years, as the pipe starts to rust, it loses conductivity with the ground it travels through. So the electricity keeps on going until it finds a ground. In the case of my house it wasn't grounding until at least somewhere on the other side of the street. And when they removed a section of pipe in the street, the extra electricity in my house had nowhere to go, except through a few choice appliances in my house. And they guy that removed that chunk of pipe would prob'ly be dead if he hadn't been wearing rubber gloves at the time.

They stick this thing that looked like half of a pair of jumper cables on the pipe ends and everything was back to something like normal.

The furnace wouldn't stop pumping out cold air, however. I didn't know enough about gas furnaces to feel safe with it doing that. I assumed the pilot light went out somewhere in that whole process, and didn't know if that meant that stray gas was building up in there or what. I called the gas company and they sent someone out to check on things. He said there was no pilot light; that the furnace ignites itself as needed, and there were no gas leaks, but he smelled a burned out motor in there. He couldn't figure out how to get the thing to stop running either. No switches on the furnace or thermostat, and turning down the thermostat didn't do anything useful. So I unscrewed the right fuse from the 1930's style fusebox.

The final body count: a stereo amplifier, a pair of computer speakers, a television, a computer monitor, a VCR, an outlet in the bathroom, and a fan in the furnace. I was awake for about 24 hours and got 3 hours of sleep. Tomorrow brings a day of hanging around the house waiting for inspectors, electricians, and heater repairers to decide to show up. Waiting for the electrician or someone like him.

---

Bonefish Sam's life has since returned to normal.

ER Horror Story. (by the Tuna Can Man)

As you may know by now I'm from NY. Well, in NY I was a Paramedic for awhile. I've got tons of crazy stories but one that stands out is real funny and kinda sad at the same time. I was working one day, part time, for a transport company, basically just taking nursing home patients to and from the hospital. We got a call to go to some nursing home near Tarrytown, NY. When we arrived we found out it was a routine transport to a hospital nearby. Apperently the nursing home nurse said he was going in for a routine check up and they were waiting in the hospital for him.

I went to his room and began to examine him when I discovered he was having trouble breathing and his pulse was a little weak. I told the nurse and she said this was normal and he would be fine. His blood pressure was near normal and I read his file and he did have a history of heart problems. This is fairly normal of a transport but I kinda had a gut feeling that something was going to go wrong. Most nurses at nursing homes are burned out and understaffed. I again expressed my concern to the nurse who promptly told me to "take him and get the hell out of here." I said "fine, okay, whatever".

As we began to pull away from the home, I realized that already something was going wrong. His breathing became more labored and his blood pressure began to fall. Within minutes what we called "coffee grounds" (that's what they look like) began to appear from his mouth. Now bare with me, it's been a long time, but I think this is a condition called CHF. Basically heart failure. He began to choke. I screamed at my partner to go lights and siren and make it quick! I tried in vain to keep him from choking. Suction, clean, oxygen, suction, clean, oxygen. At this point I was assiting his breathing and actually began to stabilize him a bit.

My partner and I roar up to the hospital. We rush into the ER with the patient choking and these "coffee grounds" (blood, water, lung material) all over him. I'm "bagging him" (pumping extra oxygen into his lungs). He and us looked a mess. Now when a patient is this critical the procedure is to take him to the ER first. I run up to the nurse station and tell the nurse what's going on. Without even looking up from her desk, she tells me "oh yeah, he goes straight upstairs to a room on a floor" I said he's really critical, I don't even he'll make it up there. She yells at me, "Take him the fuck upstairs now." Now sometimes the ER is busy and a ER is one of the absolute wildest places, but they were not that busy!!! Like the nursing home nurse, most hospital nurses are just concerned about their paycheck and that's it!! Not all but a lot.

At this point we begin to argue but I was quickly losing. I turned to my partner and said, "Well, let's bring him upstairs." So here's where it gets funny. We begin making the trek to the elevator and again the patient begins to go "downhill". Everybody is looking at us like we're nuts! Doctors, hospital staff, random visitors are all commenting to us to go to the ER. I kinda told them what happened and also kinda ignored them to just concentrate on the patient. We get on the elevator, with regular people visiting and the patient pulls his airway out right there and starts to spit these coffee grounds everywhere. It was all kinda sureal, as we're fighting for this man's life on an elevator as everyone stared. People were shaking their heads and gasping at the site of this. The patient begins to go into some sort of seizure and begins to really spit all over everything and everyone on the elevator.

We get to the floor and I rush over to the nurse station and guess what?!? Without even looking up she says, "Oh yeah, put him into room 434." Again I tell her how critical he was and she says, "Okay fine, here I'll sign for him, just put him in the bed and go." When I reach my partner we just can't believe it. This patient was not that old, nor was he senile. He should be treated better than this. I asked my partner what to do and he said "Let's just go, it's their problem now." We stabilized for a few minutes more and left. Still no nurse came to even check him out. We figure we would get the hell out of here. Because as usually, somebody would check on him, see he was AFU and blame us. Shit rolls downhill in Hospitals! Paramedics are at the bottom. So as were going thru the ER a good few minutes later we here "code blue room 434" In other words, the patient was dying. As bad as this sounds, some nurse finally decided to see this guy and finally realized he was "Gacked" as we used to say.

As we barreled out of the ER ambulance bay, I turned around a gave the angry goodbye international sign (my middle finger) in general to the hospital and left. You know, I wonder if she even accepted the paperwork, now that I think about it the nurse may have thrown it out. They may have even known who he was! Now you may think this is the exception, but it's not! Doctors and nurses having sex in the closets. Doctors drunk on the golf course calling someone to forge their signature for a RX. Rats, roaches, stealing, and just general "burn out" feeling from the staff. Drug use, old boy network, and bitterness just run rampant among the personel. It sucks. I've been cussed out by more nurses for nothing more than asking them, "How long of a wait until a bed opens?" Do you ever wonder why we don't have a national health care? I'll tell you, doctors and nurses would lose their high paying jobs and have to do more work! That's it, nothing more. Hospitals (all employees, on all levels) fight it tooth and nail! Do you know a large percent of doctors never pay back their school loans? Now listen, not all are bad and some of this was due to the fact of working in a large Metro area but, when I went to EMS conventions, I'd ask other EMT's about this and they all admit, it was changing this way even in their small towns. I'll stop for now but I'll write another article soon about this BS system and tell you more and in more detail. Check out the web site and see that new movie with N. Cage it's very accurate!

---

The Tuna Can Man is a crazy New Yorker.

Cleaning Tips for Bachelors (by Admiral Bugsy Kludge)

One thing that I love about the Internet is that if you're a writer, or consider yourself a writer, or even if you only consider yourself a vaguely half-assed writer, you don't have to come up with any great, lengthy amounts of prose to pad out a really half-assed idea into an article. Just so long as you're able to type enough bullshit to fill a browser window, the viewer's more than likely going to be happy, and go tell all of his friends about the goofy half-assed idea he just read on that thing called the Internet. Anyway, here's one of those half-assed ideas, and here I am padding it out with lengthy prose. So sue me. I'm about to give you an education here, and it's not even costing you college tuition, so just shut up and stop giving me lip, okay?

Anyway, I was about to school you on something that you might find useful in the future: house-cleaning. It's something you do when you can't find the floor through the mess of pizza boxes, beer bottles and porno mags. Not only does it enable you to find loose change on the floor, but it'll also impress all those girls you've heard about. House-cleaning is sanitary as well. Like you care, you slob. Some people, older people mostly, make house-cleaning their hobby. Others, mostly poor people, make house-cleaning their vocation. Rich people are usually not at all involved in the process of house-cleaning, but I'm not writing this with them in mind.

House-cleaning has a varied and fascinating history.

When you finally decide to start your house-cleaning, you'll find that you will need certain utensils. The first one, which should be at least vaguely familiar to you, is called a garbage bag. All the shit that you keep pushing out of your way when looking for your cigarettes goes in there. The next object is one of the most amazing objects I've run across in all of my travels; I don't know if I've seen a device with a larger variety of uses. A sponge. The sponge is the most important and diverse tool for the cleaning of the house, as it can be used to on almost any surface in the house: walls, floors, kitchen appliances, yourself, mirrors, computers, assorted foodstuffs, the list goes on. The final item that will be required for this house-cleaning thing is some sort of solvent. It really doesn't matter what type or brand, the products are all pretty much the same as far as I can tell. There is usually one aisle of the supermarket that sells only products of this nature. They'll slap different labels on them: glass cleaner, dishwashing soap, laundry detergent, abrasive cleanser, non-abrasive cleanser, laundry detergent. It doesn't matter. They all pretty much do the exact same thing once water gets mixed up with them. They make little bubbles and clean stuff. Oh, one thing I forgot to mention about sponges. Buy two of them. One for the toilet, and one for everything else. And keep 'em seperate, maybe even label them. You don't want the toilet sponge giving the general sponge any ideas. So anyway, garbage bags, sponges and solvent is what you need. There are other things if you want to get fancy, or technical, and maybe someday you'll want to look into these other items, such as vacuum cleaners, brooms, mops, toilet bowl cleaners, and dusters. I wouldn't necessarily recommend those now, though. You'll end up with some if you ever get married.

So now we'll assume you've made the trip to the store and have your house-cleaning utensils. Good. Now we can really get to the meat of this process. First, throw everything you don't use away. I find that a good rule of thumb is that if I haven't touched the object intentionally in the past week, then I don't need it. You'd be amazed at what sort of space you can free up in your house if you follow this process. Anyway, find the nearest garbage dumpster and deposit all of that stuff there. Now we're cooking! Next, put on some punk rock music if you have some at your disposal. I've found that punk rock is the best genre of music to listen to while cleaning house. I'm not sure why; I haven't been over to many clean punk rock houses, but this seems to work. Take your sponge (not the toilet sponge) and get it kind of wet. Now, apply some solvent to it, and start scrubbing a surface. After the surface has been appropriately scrubbed, or if you start getting sick of that particular surface, rinse out your sponge, and go over the surface once more. It is actually important to do this thing of giving the surface a good once over without the solvent, because otherwise it tends to eat through crap. Like paint, or wood. That sort of thing. So rinse it, and there's usually no permanent damage. So it's easy as that. Them's the basics. Just apply that routine to every surface (except the toilet! Hit the toilet with the toilet sponge.) in your house, and you're all set.

Now, some advanced maneuvers. Oh, but first let me explain something to you about toilet cleaning. I suppose you think that you don't need to clean the toilet because it's just going to get gross and dirty all over again. Well, that's certainly true, but the crux of the matter is that you never really know when the next time is that you're drunk and emptying the contents of your stomach directly into that thing. It might be tomorrow, it might be next week, but it's probably going to happen. And when it happens, it's best if you aren't being bothered by loose pubic hairs and dried pee while you're doing it. I think. Anyway, the advanced maneuvers. Okay, actually at this point, I've got to concede that I really don't know many advanced maneuvers myself, but I'll pass along the few I know. The main one is that if you're going to try and clean any surface that's been hit with wine, blood or both, don't even bother. That stuff just doesn't come out. Just paint over the area in question. That usually takes care of it. Also, you can usually clean off the majority of burns from fireworks and other sulfurous materials if you scrub hard enough with your sponge, but this will sometimes remove a portion of the surface along with it. Again, just paint over it. Those are the advanced techniques.

Do this, then take a look at your house! Amazing what a little "elbow grease" will do. The ladies will be over in no time flat. Just sit back, relax, and for God's sake, don't touch anything! You might get it dirty.

---

Admiral Bugsy Kludge is an Official Graffiti Inspector and a pirate. He has attempted to teach community classes on house-cleaning in the past.

Music is Obsolete

When you go to a store that sells records, tapes and CD's, you find music. This doesn't surprise most people at all. But shouldn't it, considering all the audible things that could be recorded and enjoyed? More or less, the only thing available for listening recreation is music. (In the record store you may come across some subliminal weight-loss tapes, but these are generally not used for entertainment. And the artistic value someone might find in stand-up comedy or spoken-word albums can usually be argued to lie in the literary value of the material presented, not in the recording medium itself.) We propose non-musical organized sound as an equally enjoyable alternative to music, with even more artistic validity.

"What is This 'Music'," you ask?

As with any art, each person has his or her own definition. But music is usually recognized as organized sound that follows a particular rhythmic and harmonic structure. Fortunately, this definition is changing, but it's the one we'll use for right now.

Why Did Music Come About?

Organized sound can be enjoyable listening, that's why. But why does sound always have to be organized according to a standard rhythmic and harmonic structure?

Before audio recording, the only semi-practical way to preserve music was the standard musical notation, which assumed standardized instruments playing a standardized series of notes scattered amongst regular predictable beats. This way, music could be performed the same way every time from a standard recipe, using universally recognized instruments (a violin in Moscow will sound similar to a violin in London), and performed by musicians that may have never heard the piece before.

This is why music's standard "beats 'n' notes" format came about. It became necessary to pare down all the possibilities of the sonic spectrum in favor of those that could be easily reduced to standard music notation. Otherwise, a composer would have to perform all music by himself, and multiple instruments would be almost impossible.

Now that audio recording has been perfected, this isn't the case.

The Reasons Music Was Invented are Now Obsolete

Audio recording should be considered the ultimate form of musical notation. It captures all the things that standard music can't: all beats (regardless of how regular or irregular), all tones (whether they can be found on the piano or not) and the sounds created by non-musical instruments. You would have no trouble recording, say, drum sticks on a toaster. But if you were a composer and really enjoyed that sound, you would have no luck writing that on sheet music. And who's to say that your toaster in Boise is going to sound similar to another toaster-musician's toaster in Detroit? Toasters will vary in tone more than other musical instruments.

Which brings up another point. The composer's arch-enemy has always been the musician. Musicians make mistakes and are rarely able to express the "emotion" and other intangibles that the composer intended. Audio recording eliminates "bad performances" of works by doing away with pesky musicians as soon as the recording is finished (or eliminating musicians from the start, if the composer is taking full advantage of the recording medium and forgetting traditional music and traditional instruments entirely).

The composer really can play all the instruments at once now. This way, the recording becomes the best and only performance. And really, now that audio recordings exist, isn't watching a musical performance as absurd an idea as sitting in an audience watching some guy hired by Andy Warhol paint a soup can?

Organized Sound, A More Expressive, Less Limited Audio Art Form Than Music

When photography was invented, the more forward-looking visual artists were freed from their uncreative, robotic tasks, like portrait and landscape painting. It's unlikely that the modern arts of Abstract Expressionism, Surrealism or Cubism would exist if the visual artists hadn't given up competing with the camera, and embraced the new freedom it gave them. But it took some time for the artists to recognize that freedom and longer for their audiences to appreciate it.

Why has it turned out differently in the case of audio recording? Well, there's a massive Music Industry in place that has made audio recording their own. They use it as a product rather than a new artistic tool. Consumers won't go out of their way to find "music of noises" simply because they don't know it exists and therefore had never given a thought to such a thing. Also, there's sort of a negative connotation to the word 'noise', which is unfortunately the only single word that describes non-musical sounds, no matter how pleasant they may be.

What we're getting at is...

The obstacles that traditional music was created to overcome have been overcome by the invention of audio recording. Organized sound composition can take full advantage of the recording medium without the (now) arbitrary restrictions of music.

Commercial audio recording is dominated by a Music Industry that's making great money from a system that isn't broken, and they expect to make plenty of money in the future without the trouble and financial risk of advancing the quality of their product.

Bonefish Sam & his Power Orchestra will continue to provide healthy alternatives to traditional music.

---

Bonefish Sam is an experimental musician. If there was an experimental musician's union, he'd be in it.

Refrigerator Odor? (by Admiral Bugsy Kludge)

hello.
would you have any tips for eliminating a stinky smell from the fridge? I have tried 3 boxes of baking soda and cleaning thoroughly and it still smells.

Please help!

Mike

Mike, I'm glad that you came to us with this problem, as I do believe that I can help you out with this one.

Now, my initial solution to this dilemna (one that at one time or another, all bachelors and pot-heads seem to face) is to unplug the refigerator, and empty it of all contents. Those two steps are very necessary, and, if you were to try this solution, the first one that comes to my mind, I would insist that you follow those instructions before reading any further. Good. Now, what I would do next, is take some gasoline or some lighter fluid, whichever you have on hand, and give the innards of the referigerator a good dousing with the stuff. Apply liberally. Once the cavity of the referigerator is thoroughly soaked, light the liquid, and give it a good minute or two to burn. If you're not an adult, by the way, make sure you've got some adult supervision. One very important aspect of this method is to make sure that the flames don't start burning into the plastic of the referigerator, because that's going to create a completely different order entirely. Also, given the economic condition currently present in this country, it seems more than likely that this refridgerator does not actually belong to you at all, and in that case, you really don't want to start burning the plastic, because that becomes money out of your pocket. In any case, do the following *just* before the inner plastic of the fridge starts getting mushy: close the refrigerator doors. This should cut-off the flame's supply of oxygen, and leave your fridge intact. The end result should be a fridge that smells faintly of gas fumes, an aroma than many people enjoy.

All of that said and done, though, I must concede that this was merely my initial reaction. I'd advise against doing it, due to the possibilities of destroying both the appliance and your apartment. I hope you didn't take my first thought without reading the rest of this, because that would show you to be an impatient, illiterate moron, Mike.

I spent the better part of the week sitting in my studio apartment with my two piss-ridden cats, drinking Pabst tall boys, and reflecting on your situation. Nothing was coming to me, until I made a rather serendipidous discovery, jumping up and proclaiming,"Why, I have unpleasant odors, myself, and I know just how to take care of them!" Here's the deal: my cats piss on every square inch of the cardboard box that passes for my studio apartment. Smells awful, like cat piss. Probably smells worse than your fridge. Here's how I deal with unpleasant odors in my small, confined spaces: burn lots of nag champa incense. Go on down to your local hippy store, or, if you're a Limp Bizkit-listening asshole, truck on over to the nearest Hot Topic, and buy yourself a box of nag champa ($1.50 at the hippy shop, $5 at Hot Topic). Now, go home, open the fridge, find something that looks like a really old block of cheese, stick about ten of the little nag champa sticks straight up in that "cheese", light 'em, and let them burn down right to their cheesy stand. In this case, you'll want to leave the referigerator door open, but you'll also want to turn off your apartment's fire alarm. I should point out that this method doesn't actually remove the smell of cat piss or rotting food, it simply makes it near impossible to smell anything *but* nag champa.

Wanting to make sure that I had all bases covered, I asked a girl I know what she would do regarding the situation. She had a solution, that to me, seems a little far-fetched, but what the hell, I'm throwing it in here for posterity. First, remove all food (especially the afore-mentionned rotting food) from the refrigerator. Then using a mixture of non-abrasive cleaner and water, wipe down the interior of the fridge with a sponge. Do this several times, until there's no random food pieces left. Scrub if necessary. Then, remove the metal racks and the "crisper" drawers, and place them in a sink full of hot water and bleach. Let 'em soak in it. Then rinse 'em off real good, in order to make sure that there's no residue bleach that can soak into your food. Then put 'em back in. That should take care of the smell pretty well, but it does seem like a pretty boring idea.

Anyway Mike, whatever method you choose, best of luck to you, pal. Let us know how it goes.

---

Admiral Bugsy Kludge is an Official Graffiti Inspector and a pirate. He has attempted to teach community classes on house-cleaning in the past