Monday, January 3, 2000

Refrigerator Odor? (by Admiral Bugsy Kludge)

would you have any tips for eliminating a stinky smell from the fridge? I have tried 3 boxes of baking soda and cleaning thoroughly and it still smells.

Please help!


Mike, I'm glad that you came to us with this problem, as I do believe that I can help you out with this one.

Now, my initial solution to this dilemna (one that at one time or another, all bachelors and pot-heads seem to face) is to unplug the refigerator, and empty it of all contents. Those two steps are very necessary, and, if you were to try this solution, the first one that comes to my mind, I would insist that you follow those instructions before reading any further. Good. Now, what I would do next, is take some gasoline or some lighter fluid, whichever you have on hand, and give the innards of the referigerator a good dousing with the stuff. Apply liberally. Once the cavity of the referigerator is thoroughly soaked, light the liquid, and give it a good minute or two to burn. If you're not an adult, by the way, make sure you've got some adult supervision. One very important aspect of this method is to make sure that the flames don't start burning into the plastic of the referigerator, because that's going to create a completely different order entirely. Also, given the economic condition currently present in this country, it seems more than likely that this refridgerator does not actually belong to you at all, and in that case, you really don't want to start burning the plastic, because that becomes money out of your pocket. In any case, do the following *just* before the inner plastic of the fridge starts getting mushy: close the refrigerator doors. This should cut-off the flame's supply of oxygen, and leave your fridge intact. The end result should be a fridge that smells faintly of gas fumes, an aroma than many people enjoy.

All of that said and done, though, I must concede that this was merely my initial reaction. I'd advise against doing it, due to the possibilities of destroying both the appliance and your apartment. I hope you didn't take my first thought without reading the rest of this, because that would show you to be an impatient, illiterate moron, Mike.

I spent the better part of the week sitting in my studio apartment with my two piss-ridden cats, drinking Pabst tall boys, and reflecting on your situation. Nothing was coming to me, until I made a rather serendipidous discovery, jumping up and proclaiming,"Why, I have unpleasant odors, myself, and I know just how to take care of them!" Here's the deal: my cats piss on every square inch of the cardboard box that passes for my studio apartment. Smells awful, like cat piss. Probably smells worse than your fridge. Here's how I deal with unpleasant odors in my small, confined spaces: burn lots of nag champa incense. Go on down to your local hippy store, or, if you're a Limp Bizkit-listening asshole, truck on over to the nearest Hot Topic, and buy yourself a box of nag champa ($1.50 at the hippy shop, $5 at Hot Topic). Now, go home, open the fridge, find something that looks like a really old block of cheese, stick about ten of the little nag champa sticks straight up in that "cheese", light 'em, and let them burn down right to their cheesy stand. In this case, you'll want to leave the referigerator door open, but you'll also want to turn off your apartment's fire alarm. I should point out that this method doesn't actually remove the smell of cat piss or rotting food, it simply makes it near impossible to smell anything *but* nag champa.

Wanting to make sure that I had all bases covered, I asked a girl I know what she would do regarding the situation. She had a solution, that to me, seems a little far-fetched, but what the hell, I'm throwing it in here for posterity. First, remove all food (especially the afore-mentionned rotting food) from the refrigerator. Then using a mixture of non-abrasive cleaner and water, wipe down the interior of the fridge with a sponge. Do this several times, until there's no random food pieces left. Scrub if necessary. Then, remove the metal racks and the "crisper" drawers, and place them in a sink full of hot water and bleach. Let 'em soak in it. Then rinse 'em off real good, in order to make sure that there's no residue bleach that can soak into your food. Then put 'em back in. That should take care of the smell pretty well, but it does seem like a pretty boring idea.

Anyway Mike, whatever method you choose, best of luck to you, pal. Let us know how it goes.

Admiral Bugsy Kludge is an Official Graffiti Inspector and a pirate. He has attempted to teach community classes on house-cleaning in the past

1 comment:

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