Wednesday, June 11, 2008

A Jimmy Action-Adventure Comedy!

Jimmy was certainly a poor excuse for a human. There wasn't really much worth in him at all, except maybe a mercury filling in a tooth. The only things going for him was a love of TV sitcoms and a driving hunger for wallpaper paste. Usually when a child isn't loved by his own mother, that's a sign of a problem with the mother. In this case, this was all Jimmy's fault, not hers. She deserved pity just for having to look at him every day, and a less perfect mother would have killed him in his sleep long ago.

This one day, Jimmy was just hanging out, depleting the oxygen supply and chewing on a ball of fibreglass insulation. He had a Hall and Oates song stuck in his head, just like he always did. He had been staring at the television for several hours by the time his mom decided to turn it on because the plumber was going to be coming over to fix the sink. She was embarassed that Jimmy existed, but she would be extra embarassed if the plumber showed up and saw him watching a blank television. She thought the plumber was really dreamy and also steamy, so she wanted to make a good impression. Don't laugh; it's not unheard of for a plumber to be steamy. Sometimes it's just part of the job. Jimmy's mom was in the shower, taking a nice hot steamy shower in preparation for the plumber and his tools.


On the television, Superman jumped right out the window of the office building and took off flying. His mom loved when Jimmy would watch these kinds of shows, hoping it might give him ideas.


The plumber was a smelly man with a big bald spot atop his head, which was a very sensitive subject to him. He would proudly show off his ass while fixing your sink, but don't insult his bald spot. He had a handicapped tag in his truck that allowed him access to all the best parking spaces, but the tag wasn't really his. He stole it from some guy's car on the assumption that the owner wouldn't be able to catch him. The plumber was such a stereotypical plumber that nobody like him could exist in real life, which is why he shows up in this fictional story instead. He also had a heart shaped tatoo on his ass that said "Mom", which is also kind of funny, but highly unlikely in real life.

So he had his head most of the way under the sink with a pipewrench or something in hand, and his ass drooping over his belt like you'd expect from a stereotypical plumber. So wisely, Jimmy pointed out, "Your ass is stickin out of your pants, sir." To which the plumber, head still under the sink, retorted, "Oh yeah? Is that right? Fuck off, kid." Then, with drool dripping from the mouth, Jimmy said, "You're bald on the top of your head." Jimmy meant no harm, but this statement rattled the plumber enough that he screwed up something in the sink in such a way that water started squirting him in the face, and reflexively he jumped back, hitting his head under the sink. This struck Jimmy so much like a sitcom that he started laughing, like you're supposed to at sitcoms. In this case, no 'applause' sign or laugh track was necessary. The plumber, uninterested in the insult/injury combo, took after Jimmy with this pipe wrench he was holding. Of course this was even better than a sitcom, more like Benny Hill, so Jimmy was laffing uncontrolably and running away, out the front door and around the neighborhood. Eventually dogs gave chase, people carrying large stacks of dishes were startled and dropped them, other people just happened to be carrying large plate glass windows across the street which were hit by cars. Flower pots fell from third story windows, and even a piano. Someone, fully clothed, fell into a swimming pool. Oh yeah, and the Keystone Kops showed up too. If you've ever seen the 3 Stooges, it was about like that, except in color. Then all the cars jumped into the air and everything exploded.

It was really funny. You should have been there.

Dear Bosch's:
How do you manage to write such a long, rambling pointless story with absolutely no character development, plot, visual description or uplifting moral?

A: I write from the heart. It strikes such a strong chord with you because, deep down, you can relate. Did something like this happen to you when you were a child?

2 comments:

jeremy said...

We need an actual film of this with voiceovers and everything. The best part would be the cars literally jumping in the air.

dave said...

one of my earliest memories was from when i was 4. my sister was babysitting me and let me dance naked in front of a window that faced out onto the street. i think she was playing yellow brick road. my mom was outside, leaving with all of her friends for some kind of fancy outing. she was overcome with shame. i was naked and shame free, dancing to elton john. what was her problem? thank-you bosch for this very therapeutic journalism.