Cleaning Floors
Really, does it matter if they're clean or not? You walk around on 'em! If it's really that big a problem, don't wear shoes in the house. Don't sit on the floor. Don't crawl around.
Cleaning Walls
Same deal. You can live a happy fulfilling life without ever touching the walls of your house. You could cover all the walls with Jimi Hendrix posters. My answer is to line all the walls with bookcases and records, and then you'll only see the walls when you move again. Ah, but it sounds like dusting nightmare, you say?
Dusting
Dusting is the pasttime of anal-retentives. Dust is going to get on stuff no matter what. You can't fight it. At worst, it's merely annoying to look at. Then you get used to it being there and it's no big deal. If you use something like a feather duster, you're not really getting rid of the dust, you're just displacing it -- prob'ly to the floor where it's less noticable. Then there are these people that get really hung up on the idea (true or not) that it's particles of Human Skin that are flying around in the air. Eeek! Human Skin! I think this is a fiction that was created to sell vacuum cleaners. How the hell does all that Human Skin get up in the attic? Even if it's true, you're a bachelor; you can be certain that it's your own skin. The only real tip I have about dust is to keep your records in their jackets.
Dishes
Why is doing the dishes such a chore? Simply because food tends to dry onto the dishes, needing to be sandpapered off later. The easy solution to this daily (or weekly) turmoil is to get yourself a dog. Doesn't matter when you eat dinner, the dog will always be happy to get the food off that plate before it has a chance to dry. And since it's your dog you know where it's tongue's been. Then, at your leisure, you can rinse off the dishes and call 'em clean. Of course, since chocolate is dangerous to dogs (see Bosch #3) this advice may not apply if you've had a full-on fondue party. Other cures to the dish problem include paper plates and fast food. That's right: the best solution to cleaning is prevention. If nothing gets dirty in the first place there will be nothing to clean up. Good advice for all types of cleaning, not just dishes.
Ev'rything Else
Anything that can't be cleaned with rubbing alcohol or WD-40 can be cleaned with Xerox Platen Glass Lens and Mirror Cleaner. It's hard stuff to find but it's worth it. It doesn't just dissolve stuff so it wipes away, it actually causes the stuff to cease existing. That's really what you look for in a cleaner anyway. It will clean anything, not just glass. It's also great to clean spotty photoreceptor belts without caking up the developer, if that's been a problem for you in the past.
Cat fur is cleaned with duct tape. Toilets are cleaned with a garden hose and a powerful spray nozzle. Bathtubs are cleaned with one of those razorblade scraper things. Tape machine heads are cleaned with isopropyl alcohol and cotton swabs, preferably before each use. Don't forget the capstan and pinch roller. Records cannot be cleaned, despite all the products that are available to do this. Just don't get them dirty in the first place. Clean CDs with carnauba wax. That's right, you heard me. And that pretty much covers all the things you should need to clean; everything else can be ignored unless you need your rent deposit back.
Wait, I don't think I'm done bitching about the pointless practice of dusting yet. What kind of lame-ass Martha Stewart is going to dance around the house dusting shit off every day? My god. Dusting doesn't keep the dust from coming back. Are you trying to convince visitors that, by some miraculous grace o' God, dust just doesn't exist in your house? No? Then how could it possibly be embarassing for them to find out otherwise? Are you worried that maybe dust doesn't exist in their house, and you might be abnormal? The only more anal thing I can think of are people who empty the trash, and get pissed when you put the first piece of trash in there. Now I'm not talking about anyone in particular, but sometimes you just don't want to stand around holding a chocolate macaroon wrapper, waiting for someone else to be the first to put something in the trash, if your lunch break is only half a fucking hour long!
Happy cleanin'.
Bonefish Sam is a practitioner of experimental music and experimental housecleaning.
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